求大神帮忙修改英语作文

Question

Golden Hook is a great clothing company. It makes the most beautiful hats in the world. It was started in Paris, by Jeremy Emsellem. Clothes made in France are the most fashionable. Jeremy employed 20 smart and kind grannies to knit the hats. After you choose the hat you want on the Internet, you choose the granny that you want to knit it. Very soon, you receive the hat and a message from the granny. Data from 1989 says that people who wear hats are more attractive.

Answer 1

1. 前三句可以重新组织一下（同时应该把公司成立的年份这一重要信息加进来），不然三个单句两个以it开头，显得太零乱。可以是

Founded in Paris in 19XX by Jeremy Emsellem, Golden Hook is one of the greatest clothing companies in the world.

2. 第四句看上去跟hat making没建立起联系，应该把它与clothing industry的关系说清楚，同时应介绍一下Jeremy是如何洞见挣钱机会的。

3. 两个choose所在的句子语义不清楚。通常时间状语从句after…里的谓语时态与主句谓语时态会有错落---从句“提前一个时态”，但题主的句子里两个谓语都用的一般现在时。猜测题主要么是主从句时态没注意，要么就是after用错了。如果是后者，可以修改为

When you choose…internet, you simutaniously choose the granny…it.

如果要表达“当你选择了…，你还得选择…”，则上述simutaniously应改成will have to choose或are supposed to choose.

4.. 倒数第二句里的and改成with会更好。

5. 最后一句里，says---＞shows, wear hats---＞wear the hats, are---＞become.

Answer 2

1.by前面的逗号最好省略
2.was start最好换成was founded
3 yo choose变为you can choose
4that 变为who，因为the granny是特指了只能用who

Answer 3

Golden Hook is a great clothing company. It makes the most beautiful hats in the world. It was founded in Paris, by Jeremy Emsellem. Clothes design in France is the most fashionable in the world. Jeremy employes 20 smart and kind grannies to knit hats. After choosing the hat you want on the Internet, you can also choose the granny who you want to knit it. Very soon, you receive the hat and a message from the granny. Data from 1989 says that people who wears hat is more attractive.